A Day Like Today
Hey, does it ever make you wonder
what’s on my mind?
"What?" you ask me as I gaze lovingly into your eyes.
"It’s just…" I sigh as I reach for your hand across the table. "I’ve wasted so much time. One Dinner in 4 years."
"It’s a start." You reply and flash me a brilliant smile, my smile as I’ve come to call it. And, everything feels right and as it should be, and I return your smile as I correct you.
"It’s not a start, it’s a whole lot more. It’s the beginning and the end and everything in between." And I bring your hand to my lips and place a kiss on your knuckles. Expressing with a look the promise of much more.
~~~~
I love the way you moan as I press soft kisses to your hair. Your sighs as my fingers caress you skin, the way your body trembles under my touch.
I love the way you cry my name as I enter you. Pushing my hardened flesh into your softness, joining us, making us one. The way you move away from me yet with me.
It takes my breath away that I can arouse you so much, that I’m the one creating these sensations in your body. That you’re willing to give yourself to me so openly and honestly. The trust you place in me despite all I have done to you in the past. That you kept your heart opened to me and gave me the chance to finally open mine to you. That I can share all this with you.
My heart aches with the love I have for you. A love I have not yet spoken of. Three words that go nowhere to encompassing what I feel for you that I haven’t found the words for yet. That I try to speak to you with my body. And as you come around me screaming your love for me I can’t control my reaction and I fill you with my release as hot tears run down my face. Thankfully mingling and hiding in the sweat for I’m not sure could explain this inexplicable sadness I feel at times amongst the immense happiness you bring me.
I roll off you and onto my side, pulling you back against me, revelling in the feeling of your heart beating against mine. Stroking your arm as you sigh with contentment. I feel you begin to relax in my arms and marvel at the change in you, the changes you have brought about in me. You have opened my eyes to all the possibilities this world contains. And for the first time in too many years I feel like I’ve made it home, and I like it. As you drift off to sleep I allow myself a few more minutes of watching you and feeling you before I drift off with dreams of a happier life.
~~~~
I stand and watch, can do nothing else, time has frozen around me. I stand and watch as he jumps out from behind you. I hear your cries of pain as he grabs you hair and paws at your soft skin. Skin I can still feel on my fingers hours later. I stand and watch as he pushes you in front of him, using you as a human shield. I stand as you call out my name, as you turn from him to me. I see the look of terror on your face and I know what it means because it is what I feel in my heart.
I stand and watch as he raises his gun to you side, see him press the hard metal into your flesh. I stand and watch as he drags you from the room, from me and I see the words of love on your lips as you mouth them to me. I hear them as they leave my mouth and I watch the tears fall as you hear them for the first time.
I stand and watch as he drags you from my sight. I hear the sound as he pulls the trigger. And as I run towards you I hear the sound your body makes as it falls to the ground. And I stand and watch as he flees, as your life bleeds from you onto the floor.
~~~~
Hey, I was only ever running back to your side
I never cried, I just watched my life go by
it’s just a pack of lies
‘cause you’re leaving me behind
~~~~
It’s chaos as I fall to my knees beside you, pulling you to me. Pressing against the wound in your side. The hot wetness of your blood runs over my fingers. It terrifies em how much blood there is.
The shouting and the questions.
They’re taking you from me.
"Sir, we have to take her now, please let us help her" as hands grab at mine, take them from you, take you from me.
I am lost in a haze of sound and movement. Numbed and dumbstruck, I can do little more than allow others to lead me.
You look so beautiful lying there, so pale yet so serene and peaceful. Then you open your eyes and I see in them your pain and my feeling returns and I hold your hand and I bring it to my lips and kiss you knuckles.
"I love you" you manage to whisper to me.
"I love you" I reply as you close your eyes and leave me and I cry as you hear those words for the last time.
~~~~
Why, after this long is there nothing I’ll keep
oh, I can shout
you’ll pretend you’re falling asleep
i live a lie, yeah believing that you’re mine
‘cause you’re leaving me behind
~~~~
I hear their words. Words of consolation and condolence but they mean nothing as I go home to an empty house. To an unmade bed I can no longer stand to sleep in. They’re empty sounds and they do nothing to fill my empty heart.
I’m lost. I’ve lost my home, the life I finally decided to take. How do I go on? How? I’m not ready for the end. We’ve only just reached the middle. My greatest fear in letting you love me in letting myself love you, the tears in the midst of my happiness, is losing you. Now I have and I know you didn’t leave me by choice but it’s no easier knowing this.
~~~~
I look at her face, so like yours. How I wish I would get the chance to see your face touched by age.
I watch as she holds onto his hand, clings to him in her grief. As she shares it with him and takes comfort that she still has him.
I look around at the empty spaces around me. All the work you had done to bring me out of my shell. Now they are as lost around me as I was once with them. I feel them trying to reach out to me but I don’t know how to let them in to let them help me. I look down at my empty hands and I clasp them together tightly. Wishing with all that I have left that they were your hands in mine.
I’m not ready to say goodbye yet Sara. I haven’t got the words. I need more time to find them.
I leave that cold building, I have to leave you behind as well. We walk different paths now. As I walk from the shadow of the building I look to the sky and let the sun blind me as your smile once did. It’s too much. I slide my sunglasses on and head back to the house that for a short time was our home.
~~~~
Hey, there’s not a cloud in the sky
it’s a blue as your blue goodbye
and I thought that it would rain
the day you went away
~~~~
"Daddy, Daddy. Wake up" and I feel soft hands on my face. "Why are you crying" a sweet voice questions.
I am unsure at first where I am as the fog from my dream, is that a strong enough word, slowly clears. And as I rub the sleep from my eyes I stand up from my position on the couch, watching as you enter the room. The sun behind you blinds me as I look for your smile.
"Hey baby, we’re home"
And I stand and watch as you enter the room. My heart fills with happiness and, for this day, I can push the sadness away.